Month: January 2016

5 celebrities you didn’t even knew were dead





everyday we seem to wake up to the death of another celebrity. it’s no surprize given that there are so many of the useless parasites these days.

under the radar

sadly there are some real celebrities who have died recently and hardly anyone blinked an eye. this is our tribute to those forgotten heroes.

Doris Days

doris day

doris days fell off a horse whilst on holiday in mexico in september 2015. she died 2 days later in a mexican hospital. unfortunately she had no documents on her at the time and they could not establish who she was. her death was never reported to the media.

Princess Margaret

princess

princess margaret is known around the world for her crazy partying lifestyle, but when she died on the same day as the queen mother her passing was completely overlooked by the media. she will always be remembered as the kind alcoholic who looked like a horse.

neil young

neil young

neil young from the young ones died from a marajuana overdose whilst on honeymoon with his third wife in portugal last week. fans staged a protest in the town complaining that decrimilisaion is bad but the government have said nothing is going to change. his classic album crazyhorses is back in the p2p charts.

Michael Parkinson

michael parkinson

parky, barky, narky or larky, call him what you will but michael parkinson was undoubtably one of the best television doctors ever. not only did he discover parkinsons disease, his popular primetime show invited other parkinson sufferers to come on and talk about themselves. parky died last week on a park bench. he had been living there for weeks.

Justin Darkness

justin darkness

racing car driver justin darkness was killed last night when his hair got caught in the back wheel of his car ripping his head off and flinging it into a bunch of screaming teenage girls. his family have asked for privacy.

 

fuck off. no you fuck off.

once upon a time someone was totally out of order. nobody could agree on who was out of order, so they just kept telling each other to fuck off. eventually, having had enough, one of them fucked off.

fuck off

don’t be sick whatever you do. and if your baby is sick you’re fucked.

drop broken heart

 

thousands to protest brighton windfarm

brighton wind farm

up to one hundred thousand local brighton residents are set to take part in one the biggest demonstrations the city has ever seen following the start of work on an offshore windfarm.

“it’s bringing together the community like nothing i’ve ever seen before” said a local introvert who spoke through his letter box.

answered questions

people are so worried that there is talk about a truce between local BNP and ANTIFA groups.

“some of us are really against it, but we’re not strong swimmers and would never make it out there” said ‘stiff steve’ who lives in a squat.

without boats

hms ark royal

sussex police are considering asking the royal navy to bring the hms ark royal back to service to protect the wind farm. a senior detective who wishes to be anonymous told us:

“people will try and destroy this eye sore, and understandably so, but if you put a big aircraft carrier

in the way so that the locals can’t see the wind farm, I reckon they’ll forget all about it. there’s a lot of drugs in this town and people’s memories are terrible. we could even pay some teaching assistants a fiver to paint it sea colour.”

caroline lucas was unavailable for comment, which is very unlike her, but kemptown’s gay tory mp simon kirby has been against it since the start. many locals believe the i360 is actually another giant wind turbine, but the council haven’t said anything about it yet. what do you think? we’d love to know.

simon kirby windfarm

here’s the classic dk song “riot” to get you in the mood.

“windfarms don’t work” – nuclear scientist

“windfarms reverse weather and can cause storms in strange places” – anon

” just say no” – zamo

vegans flock to protect GBK staff

in it for me

following the recent climbdown from GBK regarding their recent marketing campaign, vegans and vegetarians all over the world are flocking back to the place like there’s no fucking tomorrow.

action group v.a.g.i.n.a which represents some dude called larry had started an online campaign of #trollbooking at GBK. upon hearing of it loads of the vegans went mental.

book

“members of the v.a.g.i.n.a team have been treated with some of the most hateful abuse we have ever experienced” claimed larry, the only member of v.a.g.i.n.a.

it’s not unusual for vegans to fight among themselves. 3 vegans ended up with bruised elbows once following an argument about who should take it. but it’s not like that anymore says larry. “they’re after blood now”

a vegan tough man (#vegantoughguy) from essex got stuck in too. we won’t publish his comments but here’s a picture. he looks a bit like wayne rooney.

vegan tough guy

anyway, it’s all sorted now. the vegans were so very concerned about the staff getting confused that a lovely vegan called aaron who is not a “dick” decided to call and cancel larry’s false order.

cancel booking

health, love, peace and happiness is restored and there’s plenty of room at GBK brighton . larry has also been banned from the group. feel free to play with them here. here is an episode of charlie the unicorn to cheer you up.

GBK back down to veggies

gourmet burger king did a ratner. their latest publicity campaign backfired in their stupid fat faces when uk vegetarians and vegans kicked off about their ad campaign.

ratners

John, an activist from brighton said, “we’ve also started bombarding their booking sites and are trying to actively engage other animal rights activists to do the same.” . We just make up any email, though it might be best to use a valid one. The telephone number we used was a local meat supplier.

click here to book a table at GBK

fake bookingfake booking

 

lawyers for v.a.g.i.n.a. (vegetarians against gormless industrial narcissistic assholes) have told us it is ok to make false bookings that you do not turn up to, so long as you keep doing it under lots of different names.

d.o.s. (denial of service) attacks don’t affect places like this. false bookings are the real work equivalent.

good luck.

chocolate maker to use bowie in twisted egg campaign

music fans have been horrified by leaked images showing david bowie in a new cadbury cream egg campaign.

david bowie cream egg

“i know for a fact david hated cream eggs” said one fan outside brighton train station today. “it must be a joke” said another, who didn’t have time to stop and expand upon his comment.

it wouldn’t be the first time the egg maker has courted controversy. only last year consumers were mortified when they decided to change the recipe. it’s a different type of controversy, but it does show just how far they are prepared to go to push sales.

photoshop guru tina fleabag said “look at the size of the head, it’s ridiculous, there’s no way he posed for this.”

do you work for cadbury? have you used photoshop?

let us know.