September 2016 – emotional bulimia

Tom Watson to put “what” band back together?

Tonights NEC meeting seemed like it was just another undercover communists meeting until Tom Watson let it slip that he wanted to “put the band back together”.

Members hit google before the meeting had even finished to try and find what band Tom had been in. Was it a Prog-Rock band? Was he a Punk? Did he sing lead or backing vocals? Was he just the bassist? or maybe even just a bit of a Bez?

Well it turned out non of the above, sources close to the local chippy claim that Toms gastric band snapped last week half way through a double fish supper, and that when he said he wanted to “put the band back together” he was actually referring to his gastric band.

We asked Tom if it was true but he just kept eating his ice cream and grunting. His friends told us they weren’t actually his friends, but that he’d been eating ice cream all summer, and that he really needs to “put the band back together”

Good luck Tom.

Trident nuclear submarines to ditch headphone socket.

In a completely unexpected move the department of defence have announced that rather than replacing the warheads in the new strategic nuclear submarines, they are going to remove the headphone sockets instead.

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“It’s a fast moving 007 type world these days, and we need to stay one step ahead of the game” said submarine interior designer Muhammad Smith from Tooting.

“We looked at updating the warheads but that seemed a bit predictable, and the ones we have are fucking massive anyway. The only other thing we considered changing was the toilet roll holders ’cause they sometimes snap off and if the floor is wet you’re fucked.”

But all things considered, most crew agreed that wireless headphones would be the best place to spend the 20 billion or whatever it is

“Security won’t be an issue. We’re not using bluetooth as sharks can hear that, and we’re not using wifi either as virgin have upped their prices.”

The M.O.D. refused to respond to say if iphone 7’s were involved.

Headaches caused by thinking too much.

Whether you’re an English teacher in Vietnam, or a quirky Scottish musician who left England, the last thing you want at the end of a hard day’s work is a pounding headache.

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“Our Brains are like old Television sets” said a man from RadioRentals. “The problem is, there’s no closing down time anymore, no national anthem, no disappearing white dot, it just goes on and on and on until eventually we either explode or melt”

jimmy mcgee

Jimmy McGee (has a bad headache today)

EXCLUSIVE: Tony Blair exposed as Owen Smiths MUM!!

Up until now there have been no recorded cases of men giving birth, but according to a new book by the Duchess of Kent, Tony Blair actually GAVE BIRTH to that welsh bloke OWEN SMITH through a REAL VAGINA that he has growing out of his head, underneath his hair behind his left ear.

In 2014 rather than let investigators check under the hair behind his left ear for the vagina, Tony screamed “I’m not fucking Tony, I’m not going to let any fuckwit check behind my left fucking ear for a fucking vagina ok?, now get the fuck out of here” or words to that effect.

Owen Smith doesn’t have time for silly stuff. He’s a serious man, who’s going to build car parks all over the valleys. “We won’t even need to build any roads, it’ll just be wall to wall car parks all the way from Newport to Pontypridd. Even the skater kids will love it. Let me tell you this, everyone will be a winner, together, all of us.”

“It’s a good idea” said local asphalt supplier Bill Darowd. “People need to stop feeling guilty about wanting change. I don’t want to fat shame anyone, but if you’re gonna be honest with people, don’t go hiding your fucking gills”.

Owen Smith still refuses to dismiss or even acknowledge rumours he has gills on his tits. “There’s something fishy going on for sure” said local fisherwoman, Fishy McFishbaps. “I’m proud of my size and shape. I smell like fish too, but I’m happy, and I fucking love cake”

Top flight footballers offer to pay Apples Tax Bill

A consortium of top flight footballers have gathered in secret at a top hotel in Dublin to discuss plans for paying apples huge EU tax bill. It is believed that many of them are concerned their iPhones will stop working if the Irish government decides not to collect the Tax.

Wayne Rooney who was among the players has offered 99% of his wages for the next 5 minutes, which works out at roughly 5% of the interest added in the last 10 minutes. Asked why he wouldn’t go the full 10 minutes Wayne took an extra 5 minutes before saying that it would actually be 15 minutes and he couldn’t afford that.

How he managed to add 5 twice made many reporters present doubt that he was being serious and rumours are circulating that many of the footballers are there merely to cash in on Irelands annual prostitute influx.

Every September the gulf stream brings in hundreds of south american whores who are thrown into the sea by their pimps at the start of the summer. Most of them use windows phones and have no interest in apples tax affairs.

“This story is clearly going nowhere” said a young reporter who was writing his first story. He didn’t even spell check before clicking publish. “That’s the kinda shit we’re up against these days” said Wayne whilst trying to switch off his calculator.

Steve Jobs was unavailable for comment.

standard reply to facebook status update (0001)

Your facebook status was really fucking interesting, but not as interesting as these plastic arms that were sold at an illegal arms fair in china last week.

Next time you’re thinking about posting something on facebook, use this image as your benchmark as to whether or not it’s really fucking worth it.

Woman gets really stressed about old news.

A woman got really stressed out today after reading a 15 year old article about a kid getting hit on the head with a floppy disk. The woman (who has since deleted her account and left her husband for not sympathising) threatened to track down the mother of the child and give her “a good fucking kicking”.

It’s not a rare phenomena either, with statistics showing that more and more woman are growing more and more frustrated and angry with more and more “out of date” stories that are clearly totally fucking irrelevant.

Experts believe it may be a side effect of dating sites, where men keep using old photos to entice younger women who use hair dye and cosmetic surgery to entice younger men. This in turn creates a virtual time warp spiral illusion that sucks in dead pets, demolished houses and buried artifacts that whilst no longer relevant, continue to make woman angry.

Gays do not seem to be effected, unless they are transgender, or have just recently become gay.

Keith Vaz said his wife was furious that he hadn’t told her this years ago.

Scientists discover gene that stops women’s shit from stinking

Scientists from the University of Southwick have isolated the gene that stops womens shit from stinking as much as mens. Whilst studying the effect of liposuction and gastric bands on the stomach lining, they discovered a new bacteria that doesn’t exist in the stomach of men due to them being lazy beer drinking, pie munching arseholes.

“It’s unbelievable”, said Dr Peter Pan who resizes tits and labia for breakfast. “We all know that women’s shit doesn’t stink, but we’ve never understood why, now we’ve finally answered the question.”

Sadly tests on men who had also had liposuction and gastric bands showed no evidence of the friendly odour eating bacteria whatsoever. “We’ve had a few metrosexual blokes who don’t eat pies or drink beer give us some bags of shit for testing, but everyone of them fucking stank.” said Peter whilst sitting on a window ledge looking like a girl.

“I guess guys are just assholes” he joked, before falling 20 floors to his death.

Theresa May to change her name to Theresa Will

Theresa May is about to change her name to Theresa Will following revelations that europeans are convinced that she may not actually do anything. “All we keep hearing is Theresa May this, and Theresa May that” said one senior diplomat who seemed really annoyed at her reluctance to commit. “It’s not good enough, there is no time for indecision anymore and if she doesn’t make up her mind soon then she can fuck off and start a band with that other twat Bryan May.”

It’s not the first time a female prime minister has had a counter productive name however, Margaret Thatcher was called all sorts of things before history settled with Margaret.

“She needs to do a Gary Glitter and just get on with it” said a cleaner for a professional baby naming company in London. “Something strong and assertive, yet humble and honest would be best, Bitchcunt Pissface would be nice, though it’s a bit difficult to spell” she added whilst scrubbing skids of the side of the toilet bowl for £7 per hour.

Theresa May not be available for comment said No 10.